The God Master's Arrival

Revan · Subject: The God Master's Arrival Thu Feb 26, 2009 4:11 am

*Revan Ryu Kusanagi had received a message thru E-mail from a man named Zaphod Beeblebrox. He is the one that runs Armageddon Wrestling Federation in the US. He wanted Revan to join his roster and to make his name be recognized in the US. Weeks later Revan replies to his msg and agrees to join AWF as he was someone to have an eye for cuz Revan is a very famous fighter in Japan due to his "strange abilities" and his techniques that he always used on his opponents. He is known as the God Master but only for his power and fighting but for his charms with girls. He had a schedule flight from Tokyo, Japan to the US but his destination was unknown since he was goin to board a private jet. Revan arrives at the airport wearing a white leather coat, a white scarf around his neck covering his mouth a bit, red jeans, and red gloves. Before he entered the terminal he puts his clothes and takes out unusual long lookin clothed pole object with a handle pokin out a bit and rests it on his shoulder. Knowing that some Japanese ppl lokin at this would know hes carring with him his kodachi, Kitetsu Shiro. He owned six bladed weapons and the other five went thru the shutes; Minutes later arriving at the terminal and seconds later he sees a camara crew from AWF. He greets them with a gentle smile as he shakes their hands, knowing he will see more of them when he arrives at the US. He then encounters the beautiful commentator Jane Robinson as he shakes his hand and kisses her cheek softly, causing her to blush as it makes his laugh a bit*

Jane Robinson: Its a pleasure to meet you God Master Revan

God Master Revan: The pleasure is all mine Robin-chan. I assume before I leave I get a small intrview with you right? Well ask away Robin-chan.

Jane Robinson: Ok Thank You. What made you take interest in the AWF? What made you agree to the GM's proposal?

God Master Revan: Well I had my eye on many of the wrestling companies, especially on Armageddon Wrestling Federation. I knew some of them were full rosters so I knew it be difficult to make them contract me to their shows and I thought I wasnt goin to get any feedback from the US after all of the good rumors I've heard. Days later I get a msg from your GM and I knew I spoke to soon and accepted to join in AWF.

Jane Robinson: I assume you know we're at the start of the season and our PPV is coming, will you be appearing at the season start of our show?

God Master Revan: Yes I will be there, I been told by my agent that a promo will be shot at some time in the PPV and Im schedule to have a match after or before the promo. Even so Im goin to have lots of fun withe everyone and hope to live up to their expectations especially towards Zaphod Beeblebrox.

*Revan grins to the though on how many people will give him the challenge to excell himself in his abilities as his sword suddenly released a red aura as it react to him grinin with exitement. Jane sees him a his sowrd and she becomes a bit frightens as she think its moving*

Jane Robinson: Your sword......its reacting to you and.....its moving!?

God Master Revan: Hahahaha....No your hallucinating. Dont be frighten my dear its all ok. Well anyway our flight is goin to leave soon so if we dont get on the jet, Zaphod Beeblebrox might get upset and bite your head of for makin me get there late

Jane Robison: Uuugh...yeah ur right.

*As God Master Revan finishes his interview both him and Jane accompanied by the camara crew get out of the terminal and starts walkin to the jet, bording it seconds later, seeing and saying goodbye to jaan for now as he know he will one day return to his friends and former fighters as the doors shut and the plane takes off to the horizon. The feed ends and the fans roar wildly for the arrival of God Master Revan but as they dont know hes been backstage the whole time watching everything as they think he will arrive soon to the stadium*

Mark Stix · Posts: 18 Join date: 2009-02-03

Why did you write 'u' instead of 'you'?

When chatting, I find it a tolerable annoyance.

When writing, its a no-no.

Same with 'ur' Instead of your or you're.

Apart from that pretty cool Smile

Revan · Subject: Re: The God Master's Arrival Thu Feb 26, 2009 10:50 pm

Done I fixed it and thx for noticing Mark

Dynamo · Subject: Re: The God Master's Arrival Fri Feb 27, 2009 2:45 pm

Nice rp

But I agree with ur and u things
Not so good in roleplays. Only ion your characters text if it is the way he speaks

And like Black is saying below...
A tail? No way in hell gonna happen...

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Blackdoom · Posts: 188 Join date: 2008-03-05

For the first time in my whole career as a GM, I must say this: no.

Major mistakes:
_wrestlers are people. If you are a fan of the AWF (I believe your words), you must know that we are a regular people federation. We are not 2.000 years old and we don't have tails (kinda Goku, if I can voice my opinion in the subject).

_we can't name other feds in our shows. You don't have to be aware of that, but I had to tell you.

_we are not located in the US.

Minor mistakes:

_My name is Blackdoom, no need for "D", just "d".

_The "u", "ppl" and "ur" that other fed members pointed out. I may write like crap, but I try to write properly crap.

I'm sorry, but I thought that your sample was just an "RP Sample", not that your character was going to be a two-thousand-year-old something.

Revan · Subject: Re: The God Master's Arrival Sat Feb 28, 2009 12:23 am

I made the small fixes, tell if u see something u dont like and if ur not located in the US then where?

Niamh · Posts: 6 Join date: 2009-02-25

Suggestions to help: Always, when writing a roleplay, use full and mostly correct english. Thru = through.

Run all roleplays through a spell checker, and also a grammar checker if you can.

As for the location, it wouldn't matter. For example you could use 'Blackdoom wanted him to receive world recognition, and so asked him to join AWF. After thinking the offer over....'

Use paragraphs more. At the top you just have this solid wall of text, which is confusing on the eyes.

Blackdoom · Posts: 188 Join date: 2008-03-05

Thanks, Letts.

Ohh, Revan, you missed something... I'm not the GM of the AWF. Zaphod Beeblebrox is.

Blackdoom · Posts: 188 Join date: 2008-03-05

After reading with mroe caution...

A sword is moving?

What the hell? Damn, Revan... A wrestler, not a hero. A wrestler.

Niamh · Posts: 6 Join date: 2009-02-25

Meh. I like to write. Because I like to write, I also like the writing to be as well written as possible, either my own or other ppl's. On chat and forums I'll use short form (ppl, lol, brb etc), not so in a roleplay. It has to be long form. I was going to mention the moving sword also.

If you're going to use the impossible or the improbable (as I myself possibly will when I get Niamh off the ground a bit) always make it seem believable. You could blend it into the background or give it a brief mention and then not mention it again. For example: Jane thought she saw the sword move, but on a second glance it was still.

You've made the impossible or improbable possible but hidden it.

Blackdoom · Posts: 188 Join date: 2008-03-05

That's the whole point of creating a gimmick.

Give it some mistic, give it some hidden, misterious personality.

But don't go superhuman so obvious. Because it just won't work.

Revan · Subject: Re: The God Master's Arrival Sat Feb 28, 2009 1:13 am

Im not goin superhuman and Im fixing that tiny error Niamh noticed. Ok how about now?

toosexy901 · Posts: 126 Join date: 2008-03-05

..................ok

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Niamh · Posts: 6 Join date: 2009-02-25

Mhm......going THAT way *points and wanders off*

Blackdoom · Posts: 188 Join date: 2008-03-05

Looks better.

I'll fix a couple of things (the wall of text, the name of the GM) and it'll appear in the show.